PDX: Montage

301 SE Morrison St
Portland, OR 97214
(503) 234-1324
Map

Information via Montage
Review via Yelp


I stole this picture.
I have so many memories from frequent visits to The Montage, but since I am essentially encroaching on blog-turf I will keep this review short.

With just one night back in town you'd think that deciding on the perfect bar/restaurant would be difficult - but when the first suggestion is The Montage, decisions are easy. The Montage is a place where the food is cheap, plentiful, and most importantly - delicious. However the atmosphere of The Montage is what really sells me. I love to be seated at the communal tables and engage in great discussions with the strangers seated next to you.


I started off with the Hoppin' Jon Salad, which was amazing as always. God, it is so nice to have a real fucking salad for a change. In Los Angeles, anytime I order a salad I get chopped iceberg lettuce stem and maybe some carrot shreds. A salad shouldn't be the most regrettable menu choice. It should be the lush beginning to a delicious meal - the Hoppin' Jon was just that - and the cornbread! The cornbread was was super moist and crumbly - perfection!


For the main course I had the Spold Mac, which is a perfect combination of heavy cream from the Old Mac and the spicy kick of the Spicy Mac. The Spold Mac is plentifully garnished with Parmesan and a slice of jalapeño. This is easily my favorite item on the menu and I usually inhale all of it.


Now because I always eat my food with haste, I always miss out on one of the wonderfully quirky things that makes The Montage a unique destination. Instead of a clumsy box or Styrofoam container, The Montage packages your leftovers in an awesome foil sculpture. In the past I have seen everything from bongs to scorpions to mermaids. The picture doesn't do the sculpture justice but Andrew is holding a giant foil lion.

Now because the size of our party, I didn't bother to take a picture of the bill because it would make this place look expensive. (We tipped the waiter with the I Got The Hook Up Soundtrack) But, I assure you, if you are looking for somewhere you can eat with a 5 dollar bill - don't settle with fast food. The Montage stays open well past the bars and serves some of the best food in Portland.

Ethnicity/Style: Cajun/Creole
Atmosphere: A (Kool Keith blaring on the stereo, fuck yeah!)
Bathroom: D
Service: A
Taste: A
Portion: A
Selection: A
Price: $

MEM: Blue Plate Cafe

Blue Plate Cafe
113 Court Square
Memphis, TN 38103
(901)523-2050
Map

Menu via Restaurant.com

I now live in downtown Memphis, which is home to some of the best restaurants in the world. And by best, I don't mean classy or certainly cleanest. Here, it's all about comfort food. Barbecue, fried chicken, burgers and just about everything else that is terribly delicious and terribly terrible for you. I've been to several places that claim to be "The Best This", "World Famous That" or "The One and Only Whatever". And to be honest, almost all of the them have been shit. So when making my decision of the subject of my first posting, I thought of picking the most unassuming, nearly invisible spot downtown: The Blue Plate Cafe.


The Blue Plate Cafe is conveniently located, well, just around the corner from my apartment building. Once I entered the door, I was really surprised to see how bustling this place was. Despite it being packed, I was seated instantly. And before I knew it, I had some sweet tea in front of me. The waitress was ready for my order long before I was. I hadn't eaten breakfast in so long, I couldn't decide what to order. While scanning the menu, I noticed how cheap every item was. I decided on Eggs Benedict, which is always a noble choice. I didn't read the menu in detail, but all of the egg dishes come with biscuits and gravy. Eggs Benedict and biscuits and gravy? Fuck.


The food took ten short minutes to arrive and everything looked really good. The hollandaise sauce was just right, the eggs were good and runny, the hash browns actual bits of potato and not shreds. The B&G were OKAY, which is something you will very rarely hear from me. But the gravy was really loose and the biscuits were too light and pillowy. They weren't the main event, though.


The service was also quite amazing. The waitress was nearly frantic about the dipping level of tea in my glass and would check in on it about every 2 minutes. The atmosphere of the place was making me pretty happy, despite it was around 10AM on a Sunday. Bright colors, the Stones and Dylan playing in the background, and a belly full of buttery, buttery food didn't hurt.


I left The Blue Plate Cafe full and happy. Even with a tip, I found the total to be highly reasonable. I would strongly recommend this place to anyone in Memphis looking for a good, cheap breakfast/brunch/lunch spot. It was truly the Ding-Dong.

Ethnicity/Style: American Breakfast
Atmosphere: A (hello, wicker baskets on the walls)
Bathroom: N/A
Service: A
Taste: A-
Portion: A
Selection: A
Price: $

LA: Tg Express

1906 W 3rd St
Los Angeles, CA 90057
(213) 483-8033
Map

Menu via Tg Express
Review via Yelp


Fuck this.
So, last night I was super hungry and decided to go to this Chinese spot right by my house called Wong's Wok. They closed early - so I went on Yelp and looked up the highest rated delivery place in my area - it suggested Tg Express.

I honestly was trying to find a good restaurant to review so I wouldn't look like some food prick. But, this place was fucking awful. I ordered the two most basic/generic entries they have and it was so gross!


The egg on the Pad Thai was really runny and yolkie. The sprouts were super greasy. The chicken looked like Krang. Even though it wasn't very good - it was definitely the better half of the meal.


I had originally ordered just the orange chicken and fried rice combo, but the place had a $10 minimum for cards. Luckily I ordered the Pad Thai too. Otherwise I totally would have starved for the night because there was no fucking way I was going to try to eat this. The rice was really greasy yet remained really crunchy. The chicken came fried with a little plastic cup of orange syrup for drizzling. There definitely wasn't enough sauce for all the chicken. The chicken! It probably wasn't even chicken! The meat was so visceral; it was hard not to imagine I was chewing on fried rat knuckles. It was like chewing leather and vines. Biting down on an electric cord. So gross!


The food came with a Thai Iced Tea that I didn't order. I wasn't charged for it so that was a plus.


$13.60 for a meal that was intended for four people and a free drink is amazing. That is why it is such a shame the food has to be the worst Chinese/Thai food I have ever had. I love cheap/good restaurants like Wong's Wok but they are so rare! Way to go Yelp reviewers!

I definitely won't be eating here again. Not even if it came with two free drinks!

Ethnicity/Style: Thai Generic
Atmosphere: A (I was at my house so I can't hate)
Bathroom: B
Service: C
Taste: F
Portion: A
Selection: A
Price: $

LA: Good

3725 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026
(323) 660-3645
Map

Menu via Menu Pages
Review via Yelp


Today was good.
Too bad the food wasn't. Since moving to LA, I have had a lot of people recommend Good over on Sunset as a great place to eat. So when I wandered by with a terrible case of desert mouth today - I made the quick decision to drop my plans (to try out this place called Malo) and seek out a cup of water.

On arrival, I was seated quickly outside, right under the sun, where I sat for 10 minutes before my waiter decided to see if I wanted a beer. My dry throat must have made me sound like Kuato. But, I managed to get out that I really needed some water. After the 3 glasses the bus boy brought me and getting moved by the host, I finally had to ask someone to find my waiter so I could order.

I started out with an iced tea and a half order of the "Armadillo Eggs" which were deep-fried cream cheese balls stuffed with jalapeños. The "eggs" were great and the ice tea cured the desert mouth. Sadly, I was quick to run out of real sugar packets for the refill of tea. Who knew there were so many Sweet & Low rip-offs around? Who still uses that shit?


Then came my green chilies burger, fries, and a Sudwerk Hefeweizen. I ordered the burger well done but it definitely was medium or less, I probably would have been grossed out by that, but my sunglasses hid the burger in a soft orange glow. The toppings (like everywhere in LA) were awful. Half a green chili, a thick cut of an unripe tomato, and a leaf of iceberg lettuce.


The fries were shit. The menu said something about them being "stealth rocket" fries, which I immediately assumed would be steak cut. Nope, I get little runt-fries that are about as wide as the head of a safety razor. Though the excessive salting made them bearable.


The Hefeweizen was cold and delicious. Despite having a very dry and fruity taste it managed to be very thirst quenching.


Apathetic service, mediocre food, and high prices isn't my favorite way to go - so I can't imagine I'll ever return to this place. Good may tout a large beer menu, but don't be fooled. It took me three tries at ordering a beer that was actually in stock. Of course a menu will be large if the restaurant includes all the beer they had, have, and may get - but that doesn't mean it counts.

Definitely not worth the $30+ or the 5 mile walk.

Ethnicity/Style: American Pub
Atmosphere: B (outside seating is a plus)
Bathroom: A
Service: D
Taste: C
Portion: A
Selection: A
Price: $$$